Dealing with Loss

I lost a ferret on Monday night.   Poor little thing had bladder stones that wouldn't pass.  He couldn't urinate. He was struggling.  We rushed to a veterinary clinic that is open until midnight.  The vet couldn't do anything but put him to sleep.  They put him under before administering the shot.  The too-full bladder ruptured, but thankfully, he wasn't conscious to feel it.

I cursed the Divine for not answering my prayers.  I cussed and shook my first.  I don't feel bad for it, really; after all, the Divine is not a human with a thin skin.  People have been mad at the Divine for thousands of years.  It has been sworn at countless times.  It can take it.  I still feel that there is a presence in the universe, but I am more convinced than ever that It doesn't always listen and respond in the way we want It to.

However, I am thankful for a few things still.  I am thankful I had time to get to know the ferret and love it.  I am thankful we discovered the problem.  I am thankful that the clinic was open until midnight and could see us.  I am thankful my ferret is no longer suffering.  

Still...I hurt.  I am sad. I feel angry that nothing could be done to save him.  I feel let down.  Hugely, enormously, completely let down.  

Am I stupid for still believing in a power that doesn't seem to influence my life in any POSITIVE ways?  Maybe...   Maybe not.   I'll never be sure.  Not while I live, anyway.   Then, my ashes will be put somewhere and my spirit/soul, if I have one, might go somewhere.    Won't know til I get there.  If I get there.

Rest in Peace, little buddy.  I do hope we meet again one day.