About that whole Agnostic Pagan thing...

I wrote this a while ago and posted it on other sites, but I hadn't posted it here yet.  Here we go.

ag·nos·tic

  [ag-nos-tik]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause, as God, and the essential nature ofthings are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience. Synonyms:disbeliever, nonbeliever, unbeliever; doubter, skeptic, secularist, empiricist; heathen, heretic, infidel,pagan.

2.

a person who denies or doubts the possibility of ultimate knowledge in some area of study.

3.

a person who holds neither of two opposing positions on a topic: Socrates was an agnostic on thesubject of immortality.

I call myself an agnostic (or a ‘sorta Pagan’ one because if there is something out there, it’s not just one big male entity in the sky). 

There are several reasons for this.  

I have no idea if the Divine/Deity/God(s)/whatever exist.  I can’t know that for certain. Why?  Well, it’s just too much for me to wrap my head around. I’ll freely admit that.  However, instead of making up stories to explain things, I just truck through life saying, “I dunno.”

There is more to it than that, however.  It’s muddy.  Bear with me.   I think that IF there is a divine presence in the universe, something outside of Nature, which I do believe in, I believe that this entity gave up on us a long freakin’ time ago.   We were deemed unworthy somehow, or we just fucked up the concepts of the Divine so badly that it just washed its hands of us.

Do I do any form of ritual or prayer or meditation?  I used to, and sometimes I just kind of commune with whatever *might* be out there.   I’m trying to show that I do have love in my heart and room in my heart for the Divine if it exists and if it will show itself to me. 

I’m just trying to get through life as best as I can and hope that one day, if there is something out there, I’ll  finally experience it.  I’ll finally show that I’m worthy.  We are worthy of the Divine. I do believe that. I do not believe in sin. 

I just feel abandoned.  Things that I will not address here have really made me question the INVOLVEMENT of the Divine, rather than the existence itself.    I feel that It/They  turned away from us because  of how we took organized religion and fucked everything up with it.   I think organized religion is a terrible response to the Divine.  I don’t want to be made to feel unworthy, as many practitioners of organized religions do.   I also don’t want to be the type of person who prays only when I need something.   I don’t want to be an asshole. 

I don’t want to be alone in the universe.

Still, it has been my experience that ritual and prayer and things of that nature do nothing.  Not for me, anyway.  You can pray in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up faster.

So, do I believe in an idea of god?  I dunno.  Maybe.  I’m open to it.  My heart is open and ready to receive, but I’m not going to practice something that feels empty to me right now.  That is why I eschew organized religion.